Chapter 5: $30,000

"Do you really have 30,000 in credit card debt?" I asked.

Snooping around for a couple of days had revealed a lot of things I didn't think I'd find. More condoms. Male erectile cream. And now this.

"That's from before."

"Before...when?" I asked.

"That's from before we were married."

"And you just kept it a secret all this time?" I was incredulous. We had been married over seven years.

Further investigation showed that the creditors were closing in and particularly so in recent months. You can only hold them off for so long before they start calling and threatening you.

It was clear my then-wife's world was imploding. Friends tried to convince her that divorce was the way out.

"You're going to pay my rent, child support, alimony plus or you don't need to see your kids ever again." I was told. She had added up something like $2,500 a month she was going to squeeze out of my local government salary. I got the impression this is what all the divorced women at Lowe's were telling her. One wonders what else she was told.

"I need $700."

"For what?" I asked.

"I have to make a payment. I'm on a payment plan for the credit cards and it is due this week."

My then-wife was in charge of the checkbook during our marriage. Now that we had separated, I controlled my bank accounts. Looking into the history of these accounts I learned that I had in effect been making payments to this debt for a long time.

Chapter 4: Obviously you can't move on

As a married person you have certain rights. You have the right to know if your spouse is cheating on you for example.

As a human being you have certain rights too. You have the right to know if you are being lied to and you have the right to pursue the truth. You don't necessarily have a right to receive that truth because you may never get it but you have the right to pursue it.

If I've lost you then you're probably not going to want to read much more of this blog. This blog is about the truth and about my (or anyone's) rights as a human being to pursue it.

Different people can differ on this question and that is perhaps the pivotal point for discussion about this blog and this story. Do you have the right to pursue the truth about your spouse after you've been lied to?

In January of 2006 I began a relentless campaign to uncover the truth. I knew nothing about my life that I thought I knew. In the coming weeks I would peel the onion.

Was my spouse cheating on the marriage? There's little question of that but I learned much more and I did so by leaving no stone unturned. I ran credit checks. I examined bank histories. I sorted through mail. I sifted through drawers. I copied computer logs. If all of this would be "marital property" in the eyes of a divorce court then certainly it was mine to examine while still married.

I also talked to her friends and coworkers. Some didn't want to talk. Some did. Others gave hints right out of All the President's Men. It wasn't necessarily "Follow the Money" that I was told but it certainly reminded me of those scenes in a dimly lit parking garage.

I was relentless and this passion for the truth destroyed any hope of reconciliation though that body was probably already dead and decomposing. I uncovered a mountain of lies and earned years of scorn, derision and hatred for years to come not only from the soon-to-be-ex (stbx) but from soon-to-be-ex-in-laws because no one wanted the truth.

"Obviously you can't move on," I was told.

Chapter 3: It's not a lie if you didn't know it at the time

"No. None of our physicians do that." the woman at the other end of the line said.

"Never?" I asked.

"No."

Really? I thought to myself. So, what is going on here? I'll bet that weird neighbor has something to do with this. She has a bit of a reputation that I'm sure her husband doesn't know about. Maybe she got my wife involved in something.

Still. There's a lie here somewhere. What did I do to deserve to be lied to?

"You did what?!" my then-wife screamed at me. "Why would you do that? Why can't you just trust me?"

"Because I didn't completely believe your answer and I felt I had a right to know." I said.

"But I told you the answer." she said.

"But it wasn't the truth." I said.

"But you didn't know that at the time."

"So that makes it ok?" I asked.

"Whatever."

"So, why are you carrying condoms?" I asked.

"Whatever. They're for a friend, ok? Are you happy? She's someone I work with and she's been screwing around. She doesn't like her husband very much. And he doesn't like his wife very much and they...you know...hook up at work on her break. She asked me to hold them for her so she wouldn't get caught with them."

"Can I verify that story?" I asked.

"Why do you need to do that?"

"Because I've already been lied to once." I answered.

"Whatever. I'm done. We're done. There's obviously no trust in this relationship." she said.

Really? I can't imagine why.

Chapter 2: Condoms

"I know how this looks but I would never do that to you." the wife said.

I was curious about what I had found. Having had a vasectomy three years earlier I knew they weren't for my benefit.

Still, I wasn't terribly upset about it. I assumed there was a funny story behind them. "I got them from my doctor." she said.

"OK, whatever." I replied.

We had never used condoms even before the big V. I thought back on the day I had that done. I remember laying on the couch for two days watching Sopranos DVDs. Season 4 had just started and I was like the only person in the office who wasn't a fan. I decided to use the post V recovery period to catch up. Being immobilized allowed me to bang out 3 seasons in just 48 hours. I could now Soprano-talk with the best of them.

"From her doctor? What kind of doctor hands out condoms?" Obviously my sister, having heard the 'funny story about condoms in the family minivan' needed further clarification.

"Doctors don't give you guys condoms?" I asked. Two Masters degrees and other miscellaneous post graduate work hadn't educated me on this topic.

"Uhhh....Nooo they don't. Why would they?" she returned.

A couple other female friends shook their heads at this same inquiry.

"Maybe you need to call her doctor and ask just to be sure." said sis.

Maybe I do.

Chapter 1: December 2005

I was married just over 7 years. My wife at that time worked on and off. She would take a job, usually as a medical receptionist, work for a couple of years, quit and later repeat.

This year, 2005, she took a job at Lowe's Home Improvement. She would work nights and weekends.

Our children were 4 and 2 at this point. Most weekends it was just the three of us. The Ex worked extra hours when she could get them. We weren't rich but we could comfortably pay our bills. This allowed the Ex to quit her job when she got tired of it so it was curious to me how many hours she was putting into Lowe's.

On one of those weekends in early December, the kids and I were going to do some shopping at the mall. I got the kids ready at our house and put them in light coats and began looking for my keys, wallet and sunglasses. I had everything but the sunglasses so I decided we had to look in mommy's car which was at her work.

We drove to Lowe's and found the car. I began looking inside, glove box, under the seat and so on. I saw what looked like a sunglasses case and opened it. It didn't contain any sunglasses but instead was mostly my Ex's makeup and some miscellaneous items such as condoms.

Intro: This Is My Story

I am a divorced dad.

Just so that we can get all the judgments out of the way: I pay child support. It's always on time. It's always in full and the check always clears.

I spend lots of time with my kids. I volunteer at their school. I have lunch with them at school twice each week. I pick them up after school three times per week. They spend most of their weekends with me.

They are two. My daughter is six and my son is eight. They live with their mother during the week.

This blog is about struggle. It is about my fight to remain my kids' father, the struggle to be relevant in their lives.

It is about my rights as a human being.